Feeling Helpless
by y3lhsa
Summary: What was going through these people's mind after the accident.  1st Chap - Callie POV. 2nd - Arizona POV  3rd - Mark. I know next week's ep encompasses this but it popped into my fron and I went with it.
1. Calliope

This came to me while watching the earlier stages of Callie and Arizona's relationship. After last night I needed it. I might do a follow-up from Arizona's POV, not sure yet. Let me know if you think it's a good idea.

Oh, feedback is very much appreciated and con-crit is welcome.

Not mine, they belong to Shonda & Co.

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Since the moment she introduced herself and instantly seduced me, I literally heard a click. The moment her lips hit mine, I felt it. I heard it. It wasn't the whole love at first sight, can't live without you cliché like in the movies. But there was that click. It was like a puzzle piece that had been eluding me, and one which I tried to fit everywhere else, had finally found it's rightful spot. Of course, there was still a bit of trouble fitting it in with the rest of the pieces but over time they kept falling into place. Every new facet I discovered was accompanied by a click. Some more distinct than others, but there all the same.

I've felt it many times in the years we've been together and even when I broke up with her, I still felt that damn click. Staring at the numbers on my hand trying to figure out just how they appeared, it was right there. The weeks that followed are a blur. I can't remember what I did, or how many surgeries, if any, I performed but I remember feeling that damn click every time our eyes happened to meet. Everytime I looked up from a chart and caught the tail end of a heely, or heard her beautiful voice. I couldn't really imagine that this is where we would end, the thought never fully formed. The only good thing to come from that horrendous shooting was us. We learned to bend.

After everything we went through I really thought she finally understood. I wanted _her_. . . I needed _her_. Forever.

I died. This one I never experienced and didn't think would, could ever happen to me. I felt my heart stop beating when she walked away. A complete standstill. We've never argued like that before and I pray we get the chance to never argue like that again. Of everyone who's left or ever betrayed me, she hurt me the most. I guess that's when you know they're the one. I believe that now. She hurt me so much in that moment that all I wanted to do was hurt her just as much. I was desperate, willing to disown her like my father had done to me if only to maybe hear her say she'll stay. Foolish of me.

She did come back. She fought with Mark, but she tried. She loved me. . and she stayed.

She's still here, though I'm not. Not all of me. I can feel her, I always have. I want to hold her. Reassure her that this isn't her fault, because we of all people know just how fragile and unpredictable, unfair, life is. I know I've lost our child. There's a deep nothingness where our baby was. I want to see her. I want to hold her, feel her.

If only I could wake up.


	2. Arizona

Well, this came out sooner than expected. Hope you enjoy it.

Again, they belong to Shonda & Co.

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I believe in heaven. The children I've been privileged to know make it impossible for me not to. I believe that good things happen to good people and I also believe that bad things happen to good people. I know. . I know pain. I felt it when my brother lost his life fighting for what he believed in. I've seen it in the eyes of a parent who is fighting to keep it together for their child.

I feel it now. Seeing Calliope in a hospital bed because of me makes me nauseous. I _know_ better. I was so full of jealousy and helplessness that I ignored everything I knew about arguing in a vehicle.

From the moment I saw her, Calliope has always made me thoughtless and irrational. At times I think I left her for Africa to see if I really could live without her. I wanted her with me so much but walking through the airport I could suddenly see our entire life before me. I could feel myself becoming a different person, for her. I didn't realize until weeks later that she wasn't changing me, but that I was changing because of her. I was so used to thinking only of myself that I believed because I love her beyond breath, I would become less. Surely the decision to have kids wouldn't have been made by a rational me. By the person I was before I fell so far in love with Calliope I couldn't see my way past her.

I learned to put on a brave happy face from an early age and even now I use it to hide, try to hide. I hid from arguments, serious discussions. Calliope, she won't let anything go. She's so passionate and giving. I wanted to keep it that way for a very long time. I couldn't bare to mess this up. She's the only woman I've ever loved. I don't think she knows that. Her past is still all around us, it's always given me an easy out. I don't bring up my past and she stopped asking questions long ago. Knowing that Mark is her best friend and has seen her through George and Erica, Izzie and everyting between. To know that he's always there, has always been there whenever she needed someone to lean on. I've never had that. I make friends easily but when I move on, I move on. Not this time. I can't move on from her. I don't want to.

She has to wake up. She has to. I can't stop feeling. I can't face the thought I will never see her smile or hear her laugh. I've finally found a home, and it's with her. How can I lose her? Please Calliope, wake up. I _need_ you.


	3. Mark

Ok, Mark's turn. I hope this came out real. Let me know please.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favourited, and read this. It means a lot.

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I'm watching them operate but all I see is her. All the moments we've ever spent together are flashing before me and I let them. I want to think about her laugh, her joking, even her crying and screaming, because I can't stand to think I might never hear it again.

She can rant. I learned that long ago and I never told her how much I enjoy listening when she does. It's not because I like for her to be angry, but she rants in Spanish. I love to hear her speak Spanish, she sounds more like herself when she does. It doesn't make sense. It's just one of the quirks that makes her my best friend, my person. The one who will always keep me from doing something stupid or foolish and still make me feel like it's the right thing to do and she's not just humoring me.

The first time I saw her I had no clue that she would be so important. Derek important. I wanted what I always want from a beautiful woman. After awhile though, she crawled her way under my skin and built herself a home and I never once wanted her to leave. I never entertained the thought that she was in love with me or that I was in love with her. That made what I feel for her so much more. I didn't have to worry about us falling apart due to unwanted feelings. I think she knows how important she is to me but maybe she doesn't.

She held me together when Lexie left me. She understands my need to have a family of my own. She gets me. Not even Derek gets me as well as she. She's given so much to me and I know the scales will always be balanced toward her because no matter what I do she is always there for me. I can be an absolute ass and I know this but it doesn't matter to her. She gets me.

I know Arizona's sitting behind me but I can't seem to break away from Callie. I should be comforting her, I want to be able to. I know how much she loves Callie. I give her such a hard time because I know she does. Despite her not liking me and her jealousy, I like her. I know she thinks I don't but I do. Now. . Well now I can't comfort her because I know she won't except it. Not really. I hope I have the chance to rectify that. She shouldn't think she has to go through this alone and that's my fault. I know it is. I push her, I know her weakness and I deliberately push those buttons. All she's put Callie through I want her to suffer sometimes. To know that if she ever leaves again, I'll still be around to take her place. Although I know I never can. She doesn't believe it though. I have to change that.


End file.
